– I know you can do it, I just have to figure out how to help you get there
– I appreciate how much you are willing to try
– I also appreciate how much your parents are willing to work with us to help you
– I’m still finding that balance between encouraging you to play with ypur peers and accepting that some kids just prefer to play by themselves (I know I sure did)
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– I’m trying to figure out if you really don’t know how to or if this is just a classic case of learned helplessness
– I’m concerned about how little your dad seems to care about your progress
– let’s work on that self-esteem, shall we?
– I’m trying to be, for you, the kind of person I really needed as a kid
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– you are the truest test to my patience and skills on a daily basis
– I really wish your parents would give you the same boundaries at home as we try to give you in school
– you are such a sweet, smart kid when you’re not having an emotional meltdown
– I’m worried about how you will fare when you go to highschool
This is a question that will inevitably be asked in any interview I will ever attend for this position (like in any position) and I’ve been thinking about how I would actually be able to answer it in a way that would express my passion without me going on and on for hours.
So… why indeed?
– I’ve always loved learning. I take so much pleasure from learning about the world and all its wonders. I also want to instill that love for learning onto others. I want kids to light up at the thought of discovering something new. I want then to want to ask questions and explore and seek out information and not be afraid to make mistakes along the way. I want them to celebrate curiosity and intelligence in its many different forms.
– I know that kids learn at different paces and in different ways and that some kids need more help than others, or a different kind of help altogether. I know that there’s still a large gap in the way “regular” kids are taught and tested and the way “special needs” kids are taught and tested, and I want to help bridge that gap. I want to help erase the stigma that comes with being a special needs student. I want to help those kids recognize that they are just as capable of learning and succeeding as anyone else.
– I want to advocate for children whose educational needs are not being met. I want to advocate for children who feel left-out in school because they learn differently.
– I want to learn more about the world of special education. I want to become as capable as I am passionate when it comes to teaching.
…also I want to be able to explain myself properly, but that applies to all aspects of my life, really.
*sigh*
More than anything in this strange life, I want tony to be happy. We found out a long time ago that we weren’t meant to fall in love witheach other. But part of me still fell in hope with him. I want a fair world, and in a fair world, Tony would shine.
– Boy Meets Boy, David Levithan
The thing is, I like you. I like you so much it scares me. I used to hate that line – so clichéd and melodramatic – but damn if it isn’t the realest way to describe what I’m feeling right now.
I have this giddy Pavlovian response when it comes to you. I see you and I smile, automatically, without fail. And if I don’t control my face, that smile will stay there for a bit too long and my face will hurt and I’ll look like an idiot and I’ll start giggling like a schoolgirl and I’ll feel really nice.
You are one of the few who can give me those rare surges of actual emotion on an otherwise hollow, numb, auto-pilot day. You make me feel happy. You make me feel sad. You make me feel paranoid. You inspire me. You disappoint me. You make me feel like a disappointment. You make me feel awesome. You make me feel. Period. And for someone who is so used to ignoring and eventually not-feeling emotions, that’s a strange, exciting, and terrifying experience. Never before have I felt the urge to allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable towards another person. And this is all so new to me that I still have a really hard time expressing it.
I really like you. And I don’t know how to say it in a way that wouldn’t sound too clingy nor too flippant. I don’t know how to show it in a way that won’t smother you or scare you away. I can’t tell if you feel the same way, and I don’t know how I’ll react if you don’t. I want you to be happy. I want you to be safe. And even though we’ve been together for almost half a year, I just really want to know if you know how much I like you… and if you genuinely like me back.
(yes, that is a Community reference)
Time and time again, life presents me with an opportunity to move out of my comfort zone – to face my fear and discomfort towards talking to people, to be proactive, to assert myself, to allow myself to be emotionally open, and therefore vulnerable. Time and time again, I am able to recognize these opportunities, able to give myself a pep talk about how I could take these small steps towards overcoming my issues, able to psychoanalyze myself and figure out the “why”s and the “how”s, but almost every single time, I fail.
There will be moments when I feel like I’m making progress: when I’m able to hold a decent conversation with an officemate without someone else there as a buffer/mediator, when I’m able to express genuine feelings and concerns to the boyfriend without feeling the need to lighten the mood or make a sarcastic remark immediately afterwards, when I’m able to make a phonecall to an applicant at work without overthinking and chickening out a few times first, when I’m able to ask for help without feeling like a massive burden to the human race, when I can talk to a room full of students without feeling like I’m going to puke or faint, when I can tolerate the presence of a group of not-so-close friends for an extended amount of time without feeling anxious or aggressive, when I can assign a task to someone without feeling compelled to apologize for inconveniencing them, when I’m able to actually speak in a group meeting at work. Those things may seem fairly simple to most people, but to me, they require a lot of mental and emotional effort, so I’m ever so slightly proud of myself. When I accomplish those things, I feel like I’m finally slowly becoming less shy, less anxious, less awkward.
But those moments are short lived, and before I know it, I’ve taken about 5 steps back. At the end of the day, I’m still horribly shy, I still feel socially and emotionally detached to the point of overwhelming loneliness despite being able to say I actually do have friends, I still feel like an outside observer surrounded by a brick wall. In moments like these, I try to convince myself that I like it that way – I prefer being “the quiet one”, the weird observer type with a creepy tendency to stare at people but cannot make eye contact. But the truth is, while I do enjoy people-watching, being this socially anxious just makes me sad, and mad at myself, and very lonely.
I feel kind of crazy. Like my emotions will just screw with me for a while and I would feel the overwhelming need to have people to talk to then all of a sudden I’m an emotionless robot, all hollow and cold and with no interest in socializing. I feel like an unlikeable person… and to cope with that, I convince myself that it’s fine, I don’t like most people either anyway. But really I just want some company, or a hug (except I don’t like being touched), or a non-forced and non-awkward conversation. I just want to feel like I don’t screw up 90% of all personal connections I ever make. I want to believe that most peole aren’t just putting up with me because they’re too polite to tell me to fuck off. I want to not care.
Bleh.
There are, and will continue to be, days when I get annoyed with you, doubt you, doubt us, and doubt myself, but at the end of each day I’m still extremely thankful for the time we have together.
Also you smell nice.
He Showed her how to deal with her fear.
“Don’t try and push it away,” he said. “If you fight it, you make it stronger. You gotta greet it politely, like an unwanted cousin. You can’t make it leave you alone, but you can do what you have to do, in spite of it.”
– Museum of Thieves (Lian Tanner)
I was going through my old school files (essays and whatnot) and found this particular piece interesting (and not just because I wrote it) and somewhat disappointing as I feel like it could be improved greatly. The assignment was to take a not-so-well-known Filipino public figure and apply one theory of personality to discuss his/her major life achievements. Below is the essay I submitted, with no further tweaking or editing done to it. Perhaps I will spend some time actually improving this, as I think it may have some potential (and it would be a good writing exercise).
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Antonio Meloto
Antonio “Tony” P. Meloto is the founder of Gawad Kalinga, an organization that is dedicated to giving homes and hope back to the poorest Filipino families. He was born to humble beginnings in Bacolod and graduated from Ateneo de Manila University. His life was changed during an outreach activity with Couples for Christ in Bagong Silang. There, Tony saw the need to lift the spirits of the squatters who reside there. That experience is what led him to establish Gawad Kalinga.
The theory I’m going to use to analyze Tony’s personality is the Humanistic Psychoanalysis by Erich Fromm. This theory seems fitting because it’s focused on bringing ourselves out of isolation from nature by connecting with the world again.
Transcendence is one of the existential needs of man. It is defined as the need to rise above a passive and accidental existence and into the realm of purposefulness and freedom. Tony Meloto showed a fulfilment of this need when he decided to build villages for the homeless. What he did wasn’t merely to give a donation to some random charity or establish his own charity and let other people do all the work. What he did was he actively participated in the building of homes and rehabilitating of families within the Gawad Kalinga villages. He also didn’t let the families who received homes be passive recipients, he made sure that they also took part in building homes for future residents of the villages and he made sure the children were sent to school and mothers were given livelihood programs. Through the Gawad Kalinga project, Tony was able to find a life of purpose and was also able to give purpose to those whom the organization has helped.
Another existential need is the frame of orientation. Human beings naturally need some kind of map to make their way through the world. This map doesn’t need to be in the literal sense. Tony Meloto’s roadmap comes in the form of his plans and goals for the future of his organization. His long term dream was to build a nation of first class Filipinos. His short term goal is to build 7000 communities by the end of 2010 and then spend the next 7 years rebuilding the lives of those Filipinos in those communities. With this roadmap, his life has purpose and consistency. He knows where he is going and he has a clear plan on how to get there. With that, he has given his life a direction and a frame of orientation. As he said in a speech last March 11, 2008, “Despite countless false starts and dead-ends and untold frustrations, our compatriots will continue the struggle for redemption until we get it right.” This just shows what his view for the future is. This is his guide and his map which inspires him to keep going.
I think the need that Tony has fulfilled the best is the human need for relatedness. According to Fromm, the best way for a person to relate to the world is through love. Tony showed love for his fellow Filipinos, as evidenced in his work and his passion. Fromm believed that love is the only route by which a person can become united with the world. Through Tony’s love for the less fortunate, he became one with the Filipinos he is helping. He has also helped thousands of Filipino families and volunteers be united with one another. Tony Meloto was neither submissive nor dominating in his quest for Filipino excellence.
Fromm described the term “biophilia” as a passionate love of life and all that is alive. Biophilic people are concerned with the growth and development of themselves as well as of others. They want to influence people through love, reason and example, not by force. This term is a fitting description for Tony. He has a passion for life, for the constant improvement of the lives of everyone, especially the poor people. He states that “we must love the poor in our country as we love our family”. His organization does not just build houses, they work for the continued development of the lives of the families there. They build villages, with people who work together. In doing these things, Tony, and the other volunteers of Gawad Kalinga, also improve themselves in the process. The organization is powered by volunteerism, the people who work there are not paid, the companies who donate money are not forced. Tony Meloto leads by example, he doesn’t just stand back and watches, he takes action.
So I’ve been job hunting for the better part of the past 2 months now, and so far, I still haven’t gone past the initial interview. In fact, most of the companies I’ve applied for don’t even contact me for an interview at all. Recently, I’ve been grappling with the massive loss of self-esteem that comes with constant rejection, but with a bit of reading around on the internet, especially in forums for fresh graduates, I’ve learned that I am definitely not alone in this and I’ve also learned some wonderful tips for next time.
As I am now something of a novice at NOT getting hired, these are the things that, according to the internet, I’ve been doing wrong.
- Putting a picture on my CV – not necessarily a big no-no, but it’s better not to have one (or so I’ve been told)
- Immediately applying for jobs that I want – thing is, there’s a huge chance that you’re going to suck in your first few interview experiences. It’s advisable to apply for whatever jobs just to “practice” being interviewed. Familiarize yourself with the process and the questions, make your mistakes and learn from them, and figure out how to improve before going for the job you really want.
- Being discouraged by rejection – of course, being rejected sends that message that “you’re not good enough for this job” and that hurts, but keep in mind that there are hundreds of other applicants for that position and there will be dozens of other positions for you to try next time.
- Winging it – I have this idea in my head that the more I prepare for an interview, the more nervous I will be. That may be true for some, but that’s not an excuse to just go there completely unprepared. It helps to at least practice speaking in English (you could begin by simply thinking in English)* out loud, to yourself. Prepare your answers for the typical interview questions, but be careful not to memorize them as you will sound robotic and insincere – just familiarize yourself with your answers. Practice until you get to the point where you could say the words comfortably without sounding like you’re just reciting from memory.
- Not paying too much attention to my body language – If you’re nervous, they could tell, especially if you don’t pay attention to what the rest of your body is doing while your mouth is doing all the answering. Initial interviews are usually just conducted for the purpose of gauging your communication skills and level of confidence. Try to coach your body into relaxing and looking professional. Don’t clasp your hands together, don’t fidget (or if you must, do it in a way that the interviewer can’t see), maintain eye contact (but don’t stare), sit up straight, smile.
- Not asking questions – the thing is, it’s a bit hard to think of questions on the spot at the end of the interview. However, not asking questions can be seen as a sign of disinterest. I suggest you ask about the company culture, or about the position, or anything relevant.
The bottom line here is – be prepared and don’t be nervous. I know that “don’t be nervous” is terrible advice because well, it’s so easy to say but so hard to do, but really, it’s very important to be calm. Think about things that ease your mind, don’t feel like not getting this job is going to be the end of the world, TRY to think about this as just another conversation (albeit a fairly formal one with someone of a higher rank than you). Good luck to you (and to me as well)!
Hope is Not Crazy 